Retrobilia

From Facebook, earlier this year:

For my own amusement

Saturday, February 20, 2010 at 5:24pm

So, LaBrea and 3rd's Trader Joe's employees were suddenly effervescent with cheerful conversation, which led me to conclude that either spring was blooming in their pants, or someone received a stern lecture from corporate. At any rate, virtual rays of sunshine and rose petals floated from the lips of each cashier yesterday as they dragged each customer's purchases over the scanner.
"These are brand new," the strapping TJ employee with a tamped-down mohawk enthusiastically noted as he waved my pre-cooked, vacuum-sealed black-eyed peas over the scan spot. "They're great!"

"Uh, yeah," I stiltedly replied, searching my cerebral faculties for something interesting to say about beans. "You don't have to deal with the can." Heh. Weak, I thought.

It was then that I was secretly violently annoyed. Why does this guy care about what I'm buying? Why is it his business? What if I were buying nothing but tampons and toilet paper? What kind of conversation would we be having then?

And suddenly I was uncomfortable, talking about beans and all. Then he asked me about my plans for the weekend. "Well, for starters, I'm going to eat beans," I almost said. But, I didn't and gave some vague "I am not sure yet," sort of answer. Looking into his vacant face, I could tell that he could care less about what I was doing OR eating, that weekend. So, why the ridiculous pleasantries? How about less lip flapping, more speed? Put my beans in a bag and get me out of this place, for crying out loud! There's a line forming from the front of the store to the back! If neither of us cares, let's get on with it, shall we?

I grabbed the bagged beans, and dusted off the sunshine and rose petals. It was a dreary, cloudy day in L.A. I stepped outside and the parking lot was filled with people talking to themselves--but, really, that's not unusual. It's hard to tell in L.A. whether an individual is a bonafied nutter, or whether he or she is simply having a conversation with someone who is not present, typically via some sort of cyborg-like earpiece attached to a smarter-than-thou smart phone. At any rate, both the so-called "sane" and the societal rejects are constantly chattering. And that, my friends, is how affluence and insanity join hands and come together.

Just another day in paradise, at least as I see it.

Thought of the Morning 13

I should invent some sort of ridiculously strong cocktail and call it "The Polygraph." I bet it'd go over big in Vegas.

Thought of the Morning 12

I prefer not to say that I've LOST something. Rather, I'd prefer to think that I'm just hiding things from myself; making a game of it.
Perhaps, in other aspects of life, we could be more playful, like, "I'm not writing a report for my boss, I'm finding new words for Scrabble." or "This isn't an awkward first date, it's 20 Questions."

Life could be a lot more fun, don't you think?

Thought of the Morning 11

From a REAL personal ad: "I'm a follower of the Law of Attraction (it REALLY works)!"
User joined in 2007.
My thought: Your REALLY is really more of a "REALLY?!?!" Try not being crazy. It REALLY works.

Thought of the Morning 10

Am I not cool because I don't own a fedora in Los Angeles? Everywhere I go, I see fedora, fedora, fedora. In fact, probably never since bellbottoms has there been such a style cliche. Like the bellbottom, however, the fedora is a universally flattering, versatile fashion staple. Still, any given night out in Hollywood's most trendy spots lends itself to an almost farcical situation where people wear them with everything, like it's the THING to do. I've seen fedoras paired with everything from track suits to ballgowns. Next time you're out somewhere, count the fedoras. We'll make a game of it. Note to travelers: Don't go out without your umbrella in London, and don't go out without your fedora in LA.
FEDORABLE!

Thought of the Morning 9

I remember as a child, going into the closet with the lights off and closing the door. It was so dark in there that, no matter how my eyes strained and my pupils stretched, there were no shapes and shadows, just pure, suffocating blackness enveloping my face.

There in the pitch I would wave my hand in front of my face to see if I was still real, still there even. I felt around. My physical form had disappeared somewhere via some sort of teleportation or magic force. Shapes and time, the world and reality and logic were gone, and I felt swept away in the nothingness, floating into oblivion, like a lost astronaut drifting from the ship out into the unknown gravity of outerspace. Terror. My physical heart would thump loudly and my breath would quicken as I wildly reached out my invisible hand to touch the invisible string that would save me from non-existance.

And when the light finally came on, and there I was, amid shirts and shoes, coats and purses, I realized that what really mattered had been there all along.

Mobile Cravings--Really? Amazing!

Meals on wheels have really been exploding in recent years. No longer are taco trucks only for tacos, nor are they by any means a last resort. Nowadays, walking down any given avenue around dinnertime in a large metro area will reveal the familiar intermingling scent of exhaust and grill flames, as ambulatory contempo-chic cuisines temporarily nestle against a nearby sidewalk. If you're feeling adventurous, or prefer the open air of a city block to the stagnant ambiance of an indoor restaurant, check out Mobile Cravings, a very cool blog that's been around since 2009, detailing flavoriffic mealtrucks in cities across the country. Seriously, I'm giving these guys a plug. So great of an idea that even I may have to take to the streets...

Thought of the Morning 8

My thoughts on the economy: If money's at the root of all evil, then we've all got different kinds of shovels.