Solange aka Supergirl's MySpace Blog blog.myspace.com/sollychan
April 16, 2007 - Monday
Garden Variety Gurus
Current mood: annoyed
Over the past fifty or so years, self help books for women have been more than successful in this
country. From "Women Who Love Too Much" to "He's Just Not That Into You," to "How to Be a Bitch with Style," these miniature gospel go flying from the shelves into the eager hands of every type of woman imaginable. Although, perhaps these so-called gurus that write these books feel a certain sense of purpose in helping these women, I cannot help but think that they are simply capitalizing on one immensely common thread that reoccurs in the psyche of almost every female being alive on this continent.
These women all have self esteem issues. Why? Why not?! Hell, our society breeds it into us. I don't know one woman alive that does not have an ounce of self doubt. And no matter what a woman's friends/relatives/significant others say to her, she somehow holds onto these negative tapes deep in the back of her mind. Somehow our society tells women that they don't ever measure up. They're never pretty enough, smart enough, strong enough, powerful enough. Everytime a woman does anything she gets pegged into a stereotype. If she doesn't live up to the stereotype, well, sorry for her.
In matters of the love and dating world, it's a mess. Women constantly seek validation from members of the opposite sex, then turn around and read books about how they shouldn't do so. They teeter feebly on a borrowed sense of self esteem, only to have it thrashed to shreds by the next unforseen blow. And, let's face it, most of these dating gurus are men who now live in mansions furnished by the self doubt of women everywhere. The sound of self esteem goes, "cha-ching."
Take, "He's Just Not That Into You" for example. Yes, Greg Berandt does make some valid points for straight women. I agree that a woman should not wait by the phone for a guy to call, that she needs to have her own life and that the right guy will follow suit. What I don't agree with are the groundrules he sets for the dynamics of a male-female heterosexual relationship. He thinks that women should take any sign of hesitation on the part of the male as a sign of disinterest. Therefore, a woman should immediately write the guy off. He claims that men want to be the pursuers and women the prey. I think that he's full of it on that end.
While, yes, I agree that if a guy really is interested after meeting a woman, he will call, I don't think that if he doesn't call within a few days that it means he's not interested. Dating is a big game where seemingly nobody wins in the beginning. We're always trying to pretend like we're "not that into" the other person because we don't want to come on too strong or appear TOO needy, which could either shift the dynamics of the relationship or scare the other person off altogether. Of the guys I know, many take a more laid back approach to dating. Some of them won't call a girl until a week or so later. Meanwhile, they were probably totally unaware that the girl was on pins and needles hoping that he would get back to her but not wanting to call him because she didn't want to appear too needy.
Grey's book, "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus," probably the most famous relationship help book to date, says that men are "emotional camels" who can go for days without any sort of emotional reassurance. I can say that, while some men may be very much like that hooved desert animal when it comes to women, others do like to reconnect emotionally quite often. I've known both kinds. One wasn't less interested than the other, they just were raised differently and had a different chemical composition.
I am thinking of writing a self help book called, "Who Needs a Man?" I'm a little young to write it now. Maybe when I'm 40 I'll do it. Straight women such as myself need to know how to find their worth without worrying about the dating game. They certainly do not need a male dating guru to tell them what to do.
We all have emotions. We all have needs. Instead of playing games and stuffing down the real you to seem more appealing to Mr. X, why don't we embrace who we are? What is SO bad about telling a guy, "Hey, I like you. If you like me too you should call me." and leaving it at that?
So many women, including myself, have agonized over a guy at one point or another, playing a guessing game as to whether or not he was "that into me." It's dumb. We sell pieces of ourselves in trying to find happiness. Happiness is realizing who you are, then if you can find a person in this world who is worthy of everything you are, fabulous.
In the meantime, girls, you can always improve upon perfection. Try to learn a new skill/hobby once a year. It will add to your self esteem, I promise!